


Hulk Out

by Tadpole4176



Series: Retirement Trouble [17]
Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Cute, Fluff, Gen, Kidfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 19:08:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29514396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tadpole4176/pseuds/Tadpole4176
Summary: What if Top Gear just kept going… until someone thought he needed to retire? And what if Stig thought that was a bad idea?Following on from Stig's recent mishap, the boys have to deal with the aftermath. James quite enjoys it.
Relationships: Jeremy Clarkson/Richard Hammond/James May
Series: Retirement Trouble [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1953919
Comments: 4
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

Jeremy pulled the duvet cover up, over his ears, praying desperately that the noise would go away and leave him alone. The groaning continued though, if anything rising in frequency, and most definitely piercing the fabric of his bed covering. He sighed, sticking his head out from under the blanket far enough to make out the shape of the digits on the clock.

5.30am.

Or, in other words, definitely not time to get up. He stiffened in bed, resisting movement for as long as possible, then finally sliding out of bed, dragging the blanket with him in an effort to avoid the chill of the morning.

This time it was Hamster, not James, making a fuss and waking everyone up. Well, not everyone, another resounding, contented snore from James’s room demonstrated very thoroughly to Jeremy that it was only he who was awake. He considered waking James up, not for any good reason, just because misery loves company, but honestly, James could be so cranky first thing, he didn’t think it was worth it. Instead he stepped into Richard’s room alone.

The scene wasn’t so dissimilar to James’s room a few weeks ago, Richard was thrashing about in bed, moaning and crying and getting all tangled up in the blankets. But there the similarities ended, instead of a 6ft tall, floppy haired young man, there was the tiniest version of the hamster yet. The tiny, tousled 4 year old, who would still easily pass for a toddler, despite the mouth on him.

Somehow that just made the clear fear on his face even worse. Even though intellectually he knew that Richard wasn’t really a small child, sometimes he really was, and he definitely looked like one now. Jeremy reached out to shake his shoulder, trying to stroke back his hair and soothe him at the same time.

“Hamster,” he whispered. “Wake up! It’s just a dream.”

The boy’s eyes snapped open, the fear from his dream still shining out of them clearly, and the tiny fists apparently still seeing the nightmare, lashing out at Jeremy as though he was the source.

“Richard,” whispered Jeremy. “It’s just me.”

“Jez?” Finally, Richard’s brain caught up with events, and the fists clenched within themselves instead of raining down on Jeremy. Instead, tears started to roll down Richard’s face.

Jeremy hauled himself onto Richard’s bed beside him, practically lifting the boy into his arms as he rubbed soothing patterns on his back. “Just a dream,” he kept muttering, waiting for Richard’s brain to fully remove itself from the dream.

“Jez?” repeated Richard, finally shuffling a bit in Jeremy’s arms, before standing up on the bed at his side.

“Yeah,” replied Jeremy. “You were having a nightmare.”

“Yeah,” said Richard, eerily calm now. “You died,” he added. “And me too, probably, it wasn’t looking good.”

Jeremy nodded. “The tractor?”

“Yeah.” Richard stared at him for a moment, not far above Jeremy’s eye level as he stood on the bed beside him.

“I didn’t die,” responded Jeremy.

“I know.”

“And you didn’t die.”

“I know that too,” nodded Richard. “But..”

“But what?”

“The tractor looks really scary in my head now. Completely massive. And then I started noticing how big everything else was, and how I’m so small! Really small, like I’m going to disappear and everyone’s going to fall over me. I can’t even reach the bean cupboard.”

“Like normal then,” said Jeremy, waiting for Richard to hit him.

“It’s just not,” said Richard, flinging his arms round his friend’s neck and entirely failing to hit him.

Jeremy’s hand returned to rubbing circles in Richard’s back, as if he was slowly trying to erase the nightmare. If he was honest though, he really thought Richard had a point, he couldn’t even imagine what it was like to actually be that small, but it had certainly scared him enough when he realised the tractor driver hadn’t been able to see the hamster. And that could apply to any number of situations, with actual danger – something that Hamster was far too good at finding anyway.

“It’s not for long,” whispered Jeremy, when he finally came up with something useful to say. “You’ll be bigger again before you know it, and we won’t walk anywhere until you are!”

Richard coughed. “What if Stig’s wrong though?”

“He never said that being twelve would go away, did he?”

“No, not really,” admitted Richard.

“And he told you that this might not go the way we thought too?”

“Yeah.” Richard sighed.

James chose that moment to let out another monumental snore, and suddenly all the tension of their conversation was broken as Jeremy caught Richard’s eye and they started to giggle.

“You’ll be fine, Hamster,” said Jeremy, firmly, still looking him resolutely in the eye. “We’ve got this.”

Richard seemed to search Jeremy’s face for a moment, then wrapped his chubby arms round Jeremy’s neck again. “Yeah,” he breathed.

Jeremy grinned, squeezing the little body for a moment, then backing away. “Think you can go back to sleep now?” he asked.

“Yeah, I’ll be OK.” Richard relaxed a bit, sitting down again on the bed and looking up at Jeremy.

For a moment, Jeremy let his hand stroke back Richard’s unruly hair, which was currently sticking up in all directions, then he lifted the duvet, inviting Richard to get comfortable. Silently, watching Jeremy the whole time, the small boy did so, sighing contentedly as Jeremy placed the blanket back over him, pulled the tent back into place and started to move to the door.

“Night,” called Jeremy, softly, his fingers crossed that nothing else would creep in and disturb his little friend in his sleep, not even James’s snoring, he added in his head as the other boy let out another unbelievably loud honking noise.

“Night Jez,” giggled Richard.

…………………………………………

“Back to work today then, chaps?” James called out to Jeremy and Richard from the kitchen as they stumbled down the stairs in the morning, his voice sounding irrepressibly smug.

“James!” Jeremy rounded the corner at the bottom of the stairs and entered the kitchen, staring at his friend’s back in shock as he continued to mess about with the kettle. “You’re full size again.”

“The Stig did say a day or two,” observed James, finally turning round and catching sight of Jeremy. “Oh.”

Jeremy was not full size. He was still 14, and dressed in James’s clothes. He stepped closer to James, eyeing the top of his head suspiciously. “You are not taller than me!” he protested.

James sniggered. “How, just how? How did you manage to mess it up? Stig was clear that we’d all turn back at the same time!”

“Not just me,” said Jeremy, turning back as a thud sounded at the bottom of the stairs and Richard came running in, still tiny, rubbing his eyes.

James burst into laughter. “Only you two could mess up something that you shouldn’t even be able to affect!”

“How could we affect it?” protested Richard. “I didn’t do anything! That doesn’t mean I’m going to be stuck this small, does it?” He looked up at his two friends, his eyes widening in alarm.

“Shh, Hamster,” said Jeremy. “It’s fine.” 

“I probably just didn’t annoy Stig as much yesterday, or I fed him his favourite sandwiches, or I had a better night’s sleep, or I didn’t sit on his favourite spot on the office sofa,” pointed out James. “Face it, I’m less annoying than you two.”

“No,” said Jeremy. “That’s not true. You’re just tidier, that’s not the same as being less annoying. Besides, you did sleep better, we were both disturbed by your snoring.”

“Yes,” nodded Richard, enthusiastically. “We were scuppered by snoring,” he agreed. He paused, looking between the two teenagers. “Does that mean another day like this though?” he asked, holding his hands up in front of his face. “I’m never going to complain about being 12 again.”

James, memories of the previous day as an 11 year old flashing across his face, was the one to reach down for him this time, bringing the little boy up to a better height for talking to. “I’m sorry, Hamster,” he said. “I’m sure you’ll be back to normal tomorrow. Well, not normal, but more usual recently.”

Richard rested his head on James’s shoulder appreciatively. “Thanks, James. Can you make me some breakfast? I’m starving!”

James raised an eyebrow but acquiesced, putting Richard down on the counter near Jeremy, then wandering over to grab some bread, idly humming to himself. Richard shuffled backwards onto the counter then stood up, making Jeremy flinch violently.

“What are you?” he almost roared, in turn making Richard jump.

“I’m trying to see if he’s taller than you!” protested Richard.

“He can’t be!” complained Jeremy. “It is not possible at any time in the history of the world for James May to be taller than me.”

“I’ll only tell James then,” suggested Richard, grinning cheekily at the two teenagers.

“You!” said Jeremy, raising his finger at the tot, outwardly threatening, but inwardly pleased to see Richard’s cheekiness re-emerge.

“Just you wait til Stig has a proper accident and I end up taller than you,” laughed Richard. “I have nothing to lose.”

“Less than a metre to lose, at least,” pointed out Jeremy, putting his hands on his hips indignantly.

“Breakfast,” said James, waving a plate at Richard. “On the table, I think.” He headed off to the table, his own coffee in his other hand.

Jeremy turned to Richard, offering his hands up, and swinging Richard down from the counter, before turning to grab his own cup of coffee – carefully left there ready for him. “No breakfast for me, James?”

“I’m not that helpful,” responded James. “You can manage.”

Jeremy grinned, grabbing his cup of coffee and striding after Richard.


	2. Chapter 2

“Clearly, I need to go into work,” declared James, wiping a cloth vigorously over both Richard and the table as he did so, not waiting for Richard’s consent. “Andy was expecting us to review the Pagani, Stig’s already done the lap, but I don’t know how long he’s managed to keep the car for. I need to go in.”

“Right,” nodded Jeremy, somewhat sympathetically. “So we’ll just stay here, out of the way.”

James eyed them, dubiously. “When you were alone yesterday, I heard you nearly got run over.”

“Much safer at home,” protested Jeremy.

“We’ll be good,” added Richard, hopping down from his chair and walking over to James.

“I won’t though,” said James, gently. “I’ll just spend the whole day expecting to read on the news that the two of you have blown up.”

Richard frowned, crossing his arms across his chest in a manner that in a person his current size would likely normally be the precursor to a massive, unstoppable tantrum.

Jeremy stepped in, ruffling Richard’s hair as though that was the sort of thing that might forestall a tantrum. “You’d really be that worried?”

James smiled. “I thought we’d established that – at least in private. Yes, I’d be that worried.”

Finally, Richard’s arms loosened and he moved closer to James, sliding his tiny hand into James’s. “James?”

“I think,” said Jeremy. “If you’re so keen for us to ride along, you need to make concessions.”

James sighed, squeezing Richard’s hand, then reaching down to pick him up so that he could join in the conversation properly, desperately hoping that he wasn’t sticky enough to mean he had to get changed again. “Such as?”

“Something fun to do!” replied Jeremy, looking incredulously at James, as though it should have been entirely obvious.

“Keep us out of trouble,” grinned Richard. “Otherwise you’ll just keep finding us in shot, messing stuff up.”

“God help us.” James rolled his eyes, thinking.

“You know you need to,” grinned Jeremy, winking at Richard.

“Ridiculous merchandising?” suggested James. “Andy mentioned getting a box of wildly insane bits and pieces to look through?”

Jeremy looked over at Richard, confirming the grin on his cheeky face.

“We’re in,” he agreed.

…………………………………………………

Richard sat safely on Jeremy’s shoulders, watching James drive round the track incredibly slowly in the new electric Pagani Te Fiti, sighing heavily.

“Hamster?” asked Jeremy, “you OK?”

“It’s just wrong,” sighed Richard. “Captain Slow’s the only one who can drive, and it’s such a fast car! It doesn’t want to go slow.”

Jeremy snorted. “Yeah, not like you were fidgeting at all on the way over waiting for James to drive a perfectly normal car.”

Richard’s tiny hand bopped Jeremy on the forehead.

“Oy!” protested the taller boy. “I’ll drop you.”

“I’ll be good,” promised Richard.

“We don’t have to stay and watch him faffing,” pointed out Jeremy. “We can go look at Andy’s mysterious box of merchandising delights.”

“I like watching the car go,” said Richard. “It’s a new pagani, it’s…”

“Yeah,” nodded Jeremy, sympathetically. “It’s going much slower than it should.”

“Jez?” Richard stopped him, abruptly changing the direction of the conversation. “I don’t feel so good.”

“Like whaaaaaaattt?” groaned Jeremy. “Ouch, me neither. You should probably get down.” The taller boy lifted Richard down then knelt on the ground, clutching his stomach. “Don’t wander off,” he added, through clenched teeth.

“I’m not,” gasped Richard, lying back on the grass beside Jeremy, breathing heavily.

“You think it was James’s cooking?”

“Did you even eat any of….? Errghh,” grunted Richard in his small voice, panting again afterwards. “I really don’t feel good.”

“Worse than the last time you cooked?” asked Jeremy, also taking deep breaths, leaning forward on his hands and knees now beside Richard. “Ohh…”

“What?” asked Richard, tears now running down his cheeks.

“I think this is what we get for being up in the night when we’re supposed to be growing up again,” moaned Jeremy. “I think I’m going to die.” He deliberately focussed on his arms, certain now that he could see them growing, as well as feel it. “Really, ouch. I am not supposed to be awake for this.” He stopped, turning to Richard, his mouth opening in horror as he realised how much more significant Richard’s transformation was going to be. Already the little boy was literally bawling in pain, as all of his limbs began to grow.

“Anyone got any calpol?” yelled Jeremy, gathering Richard to him in an effort to dull his pain.

“It’s OK,” said James, his hand coming down on Jeremy’s shoulder as he exited the car, almost moving faster from the car than he had in it. “He’s passed out.” He bent down to look at Jeremy more closely. “Are you OK?”

“I could do with a truckload of aspirin,” retorted Jeremy, “but yes, I think it’s over.”

Silently, James reached into his pocket and withdrew a small blister pack. “Told you you shouldn’t stay at home on your own.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet this is exactly what you were thinking would happen,” grumbled Jeremy, almost on automatic, taking the tablets almost without thinking and downing two dry.

“My clothes are looking a bit snug on you now too,” grinned James, ignoring Jeremy’s comment, just as Richard’s T-shirt ripped completely in half and fell from his torso. James stared for a moment. “At least they’re not that snug,” he added. “Do you want me to take him?”

“Yeah, just let me stand up,” groaned Jeremy. “I really, really need to take my shoes off.”

James’s eyes widened, reaching for Richard’s shoes even as Jeremy did the same, removing them just in time as Richard’s feet caught up with the rest of him. That dealt with, James lifted Richard easily off Jeremy, allowing the newly grown young man to release his cramped feet, and stretch his ridiculously long legs, which were now exposed for several inches at the bottom of James’s borrowed trousers.

“Oh, that’s a relief though,” sighed Jeremy, stretching his body, cracking a few joints, and finally looking down at James holding Richard. “That was just not right you being as tall as me this morning.”

James spluttered, adjusting Richard where his head rested on his shoulder. “Oaf,” he grinned. “You feel OK now?”

“Fine,” said Jeremy, brushing his bare feet against the grass. “Just memories and echoes, plus the tablets are kicking in.” He lent down a little to peer at Richard’s face, brushing his hair out of the way again. “He looks mostly 12 again now,” he added. “Still out cold though.”

“That’s a good look, Jez,” chuckled a familiar voice from behind them.

Jeremy and James turned to face Andy, Jeremy spluttering in his defence.

“How is he?” The older man asked, peering in concern at the now mostly naked hamster.

“Passed out still,” said James.

“But not ridiculed,” put in Jeremy.

“You’re a better target,” shot back Andy, laughing even as he turned back to look at Richard. “We should probably get someone to check him out. That must have been a pretty nasty shock to the system and he’s still not coming round.”

“You’re worried?” asked James, glancing at Jeremy.

“Not seriously,” reassured Andy. “But this is the hamster, it’s probably worth making sure. I’ll grab the first aider, you bring him into the office for a bit, keep him warm. Not to mention not having to keep carrying him, presumably he’s not that light.”

Jeremy held his arms out. “I can carry him over there,” he offered.

“Thanks,” said James, handing the unconscious Richard over and stretching himself as they made their way to the hut that formed their offices.


	3. Chapter 3

It was a nerve-wracking 20 minutes before Richard actually woke up, Jeremy, James and Andy all hovering with their fingers itching to call for medical help. Then, finally, Richard stirred and they all heaved a collective sigh of relief.

“Wha?” asked Richard, looking up at the three men crowding round him in confusion. “What happened?”

Jeremy knelt down beside him, brushing his hair out of the way. “We grew,” he stated succinctly.

“Oh.” Richard looked down, noting the coat that was laid over him, and his bare shins and feet. “Even me!” He smiled for a moment. Then, as realisation of what he’d been wearing crossed his mind, he peeked reluctantly beneath the coat. “Oh,” he repeated, his face reddening. “I’m like the Incredible Hulk!”

“But less green,” said James.

“Except when it was hurting,” added Jeremy, ruffling Richard’s hair. “Are you OK now?”

“Aside from being half naked and everyone staring at me, sure.”

Andy chuckled. “I think that’s my cue to get going. Jez, if you want to drive the Te Fiti, it’s got to be today, sorry mate.”

Richard shuffled up on the sofa, exposing his chest as the coat fell away. “You’ve got to do it, Jez. I’ll hang out with James.”

Jeremy grinned, following Andy as he exited the room, stretching his newly grown limbs exuberantly, muttering something about spare shoes.

“I don’t think he liked being shorter than you,” laughed Richard, turning to James.

“Can’t think what gave you that impression,” responded James, smiling lopsidedly. “So, are you just going to lounge around on the sofa all afternoon, or should we attempt to find you something you can wear so that you can watch the oaf drive that beautiful car round the track way faster than he can handle?”

Richard grinned, getting to his – bare – feet. “I’ll just wear the coat,” he shrugged, vaguely shoving his arms into the sleeves and glaring at James, daring him to mention the dangling sleeves. “Whose coat is this?”

“Mine,” laughed James. “It didn’t fit around Jez’s bulk anymore.”

Richard rolled his eyes.

“It’s warm, isn’t it, and you don’t look like you’re trying to be Mowgli from The Jungle Book or anything.”

“It’s longer than what’s left of my trousers,” sighed Richard. He caught James’s smirk. “Fine, fine, I’m just going to have to live with it and be grateful I’m not permanently four years old.”

……………………………………

As soon as they’d got home Richard had raced upstairs and got changed into some of his normal clothes, reappearing just moments later and throwing James’s coat (very accurately) onto his head, before curling up in the corner of the sofa.

Ten, maybe fifteen, minutes later he’d still barely moved.

“Tea, Hamster?” asked James, mostly trying to get some sort of reaction.

“No thanks.” The boy shock his head then resumed whatever he was doing, staring into space, sometimes gazing at his hands and flexing them. Lost in thought.

James headed back to the kitchen, seeking out Jeremy, not worried exactly, but a bit concerned.

“What’s going on with him?” asked Jeremy, tactful as ever.

James sighed. “Based on my experiences yesterday, I’m going to suggest that growing up very suddenly is surprisingly jarring. I spent one day as an eleven year old and I definitely noticed a difference in how people treated me, but it was just a day and I’m basically normal now. He spent the day as a toddler, and months as a twelve year old. This is the first time he’s really stopped to think about it.”

Jeremy looked sceptically at James. “I’m an expert in Hamster, I can snap him out of it.”

“Jez, he might just need a bit of time!” James reached out his hand, trying to dissuade Jeremy from heading into the lounge.

Naturally, Jeremy was about as good at listening to James as Richard was. As the dread welled up in his stomach, James followed Jeremy into the lounge, hanging back and blending in to the scenery, hoping not to interfere unless Jeremy truly crossed a line. James wasn’t convinced, but it was true that Jeremy did have a knack for sorting the hamster out.

“Hamster?” whispered Jeremy, as gentle as James had ever seen the man, his hand reaching under Richard’s chin to tilt his face in the right direction.

Richard’s eyes looked up at Jeremy, but he didn’t really respond, glancing back down to his hands after a moment.

Jeremy, not so easily deterred, shuffled closer to Richard on the sofa, lifting the boy onto his lap, and wrapping a long arm round him. “You made it back,” said Jeremy, so quietly James could barely hear him.

“Yeah,” said Richard, smiling weakly.

“So what is it?”

Richard looked down at his hands again, flexing them. “I’m not really sure, I just..”

“James says it’s daunting being a kid, having people treat you differently,” suggested Jeremy. “Is he right?”

“I think you and James treated sixty year old me as a kid,” snorted Richard, “sometimes. But yeah, maybe, changing makes it more noticeable.”

“Because we treated the toddler differently again?” asked Jeremy.

“I was four! That’s definitely not a toddler,” protested Richard.

“And that’s the important bit,” objected Jeremy.

“No,” admitted Richard. “There’s a distinction though.”

“We’re going to have to beg to differ there,” said Jeremy, chuckling as Richard thumped him on the arm. “I have a theory,” he added.

Richard raised his eyebrows. “Often hazardous,” he observed, sounding a bit more like his normal self.

“I think James is right – to a point – but that being twelve is sort of harder, like the awkwardness of being between the two worlds. As an adult we might tease you about not trusting you, but you know we don’t mean it. As a toddler, we definitely don’t trust you but we look after you and it feels safe. But at twelve, nothing quite works, neither one nor the other.” Reflexively, Jeremy squeezed Richard.

Richard leant against him, resting his head on Jeremy’s shoulder. “Maybe,” he admitted. “So like I’m twelve again now and it feels ridiculous not to be completely self-sufficient?”

“I think you’ve forgotten that not even adults are completely self-sufficient. But yes, you have to recognise the poor demented state your brain is in and accept we’re here as back up. Just as safe as before, and less likely to get run over. Only difference is I can’t give you a shoulders ride indoors.”

Richard smiled, but looked down at his hands again.

“We’ve both got this,” added James quietly, but confidently. There was nothing he was more certain of.

“What is it with your hands?” asked Jeremy, grabbing one and waving it about.

Richard blushed.

“What?” repeated James, moving to sit at Jeremy’s side.

“I keep having an urge to suck my thumb,” muttered Richard, his face colouring even more. “It didn’t even matter yesterday, and now it’s just stupid and immature.”

James shrugged. “You’re not bothering me.”

Jeremy grinned. “Yeah, just go with it, Hamster. Your brain’s confused enough without fighting with it too.” He pushed the thumb towards Richard’s mouth.

Half an hour later, James found himself watching TV alone with the sound turned down very low, the movie he was watching barely making any sense as he could barely hear it. He didn’t want to turn it up though, beside him Jeremy was fast asleep, stretched out across the sofa with Richard still curled up in his lap, his thumb firmly in his mouth and his little bear, Oliver, tucked under one arm.

James grinned, they looked as peaceful as he’d ever seen them. This is what he’d been worried about missing a few weeks ago. Yes, the madness and the fun were great, but he liked the quiet too. Carefully, so as not to disturb them, he pulled out his phone and took a photo.


End file.
